Shame: Part I

... the perfume most often adorned by the hot mess.

Shame is a tricky subject to write about. The problem with shame and the hot mess is that it's not a black and white relationship. While shame can be a result of being a hot mess, being a hot mess does not always invoke real shame: I can hear every psych professor I have ever had screaming "correlation is not causation" as I type this...  This post will explore the cyclic love-hate relationship between the hot mess and shame.

Let's take a look at the definition of shame:

Miriam Webster Online

1. a. A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b. The susceptibility to such emotion (have you no shame?)
2. A condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
3. a. Something that brings censure or reproach; also: something to be regretted b. a cause of feeling shame

Urban Dictionary 

1. An expression of shock or disgust, used mildly in the '60s and '70s (Shame! I can't believe you just said that!) 
2. a. A painful emotion caused by a sense of guilt, embarrassment, dishonor; a feeling of being unworthy or disgraced b. Something that is very regrettable or is a great disappointment
3. n: George Bush v: the feeling people have for George Bush
4. A terminal disease in some parts of the galaxy

Now the hot mess most likely has feelings of shame... but those feelings of shame are often trumped by the urge to participate in hot mess situations. These situations tend to occur frequently and in repeat mode. For example, say one realizes they should not be participating in some particular behavior- that may create a momentary discord and refrain. Maybe for a day. Maybe for a week. Likely for 10 minutes. But here's the thing with shame: it's magical and disappears with others' approval. In this sense the hot mess uses the "be a follower not a leader" tactic and carries on the behavior once the shame appears to have subsided. Or until they are intoxicated enough to not feel shame at all. 

Alcohol and drugs are huge contributing shame reduction tactics. Alcohol, or the Shame Negator as I like to call it, has the effect of making shame disappear in a magical cloud of "I do what I want".  This is a particular problem if one is already a gratification on the spot junky- and most hot messes are. After the drugs and alcohol come waking up hung over and the shame kicks you in the vagina. Or maybe it just punches you if you're still in a fog. The hot mess then does the next best thing it can to reduce the feeling of shame: reach for the anxiety meds. Yep. Very useful. Benzodiazepines are part of the hot mess' conscious that says,"NO, do it again. It's not that bad. It's fine... see, your heart rate is normal again. You weren't that drunk, everyone else was and no one will remember or care today." They are what I like to call the Shame Shield. This is a really dangerous thing. It's covering shame with a lovely layer or peacefulness and acceptance. I think you can all see where this is going. The hot mess then gets caught in a loop of medicating medication. What they're really medicating is the Shame Game. 

This is certainly not to say that alcohol has to be involved. Some people just carry shame- and shame is contagious. When it comes together in groups it flourishes, much like the plague. If one shame-filled hot mess encounters another they then commiserate. This works as a secondary shame shield. The shame then becomes a laughable symptom of personality. Solid! Groupthink is amazing stuff... nothing like making regret seem posh! If everyone else's is doing it, it can't really be that bad, right?!  Hot mess groups tend to collect shame into little tales of humour, which in turn  makes it not seem so bad. Further you can then try to top each shameful adventure your friends pursue with your own shameful adventure! It's the world's most intriguing game of FAIL ever! It's a dysfunctional club with a functional purpose. Consider how popularized the term "walk of shame" is?! And you're all lying assholes if you haven't ever participated in such. We've all done it. Not as many times as a hot mess, but we've all done it. 

What makes the hot mess so uniquely intertwined with shame is that it loves to hate it and hates that it loves it. The complicated relationship between hot mess-dom and shame is similar to the relationship water has to the human body; it's all over the damn place and a vital built in feature: you can avoid drinking water but you can't avoid the repercussions of doing so. 

Historical Hot Messes I: Virgin Mary vs Mary Magdalene... And Avoiding Charlie Sheen as a topic

He's a tool, not a hot mess. There's nothing really redeeming about him other than he is human and we have to forgive all humans for making human errs and blah, blah, blah. So this blog will not be devoted to Charlie Sheen (like everything else on the internet.) Giving publicity to him- and merely writing about him does that, like it or not- is like giving publicity to Sarah Palin: it just makes everyone vomit in their mouth a little and move on as lesser beings for even paying attention. I owe you all more than that. Especially considering my extreme procrastination in working on this blog.

I will instead devote this space to discussing some hot mess history, a segment I'd like to embark upon once or twice a month from here on out. In the beginning there were humans and the hot mess was born. That's not technically true: Before humans, there were dinosaurs and there is not a record of the degree of hot mess that may have been in dino-time sans the theory that they were wiped out when the planet got really hot and then really cold. That was a hot mess for the dinosaurs so technically, that was the very first hot mess. The only other known hot mess related to dinosaurs is that they have made about 400 Land Before Time movies and from them the only thing I learned is that I truly wanted Sara to go extinct. She was such a snobby homely dinosaur. She may have been the first known living hot mess. But let us move on to humans. For this first installment, I want to talk about a couple of the Marys of the good book...

Jesus' Mom & Mary Magdalene

One of the many Marys of the good book. In order to go with this, I'm taking on the interpretation of the Bible that is a bit more literal than I'm generally comfortable with: immaculate conception. Perhaps if we took the symbolic route, this opinion would be different but since I'm a firm believer in evolution and a firm disbeliever in some of the more wild literal interpretations out there, I'm going to stick with utilizing the notions I think most of us learned in Vacation Bible School and were re-taught every year before our annual Christmas Pageant.
I'm going to go with this is a flat out "hell no." It's just not possible. Let's face it, she clearly had a roll in the hay with someone at some point and got knocked up. It's not as if there were impeccable gynecological exams back then, and other than her word, there's virtually no evidence she was more than a promiscuous farm girl who covered up her promiscuity via another enormous lie: immaculate conception in a "virgin." I'm not saying that she wasn't a nice person, or that she didn't birth a prominent figure to the Christian faith. I'm just saying I think she maybe had too much opium and forgot about that one time her friend Joe and her were cleaning up the manger... So, at a time when this behavior was unacceptable, the best thing to do is to try and get a quick marriage and hope no one notes the discrepancy in dates. This still happens world wide let me remind you. So really, she is actually the model of hot mess behavior with regard to unexpected pregnancy we see all over the West. She inadvertently created the show "I didn't know I was Pregnant" years later...

Which basically puts her below par to ill-reputed Mary Magdalene, who by the way, was found to NOT be a whore, or even a hot mess (declared to not be such a sinner in 1969 by the Catholic Church), but an important part of Christian history, including being included in some texts as one of Jesus' more prominent disciples. She is even said to have been at The Last Supper, or at least DaVinci thought she was, which in general makes her a bit more likable and a bit less suspect than her reputation of past would have her be. (A few sources follow but for the real deal you can actually read Mary Magdalene's "gospel", or check out a book in the library-they have AC!: PBS, Mary Magdalene, BBC, Mary of Magdala.) My guess is this makes the Catholic Church some what of a standing hot mess because let's face it, they aren't generally very supportive of women having any sort of power or rights over themselves- let alone any type of populace or group. I'd guess that a female disciple and many of the texts related to her would substantially change the face of Christian history and also the role of women in the world in general... but this isn't really the platform for that discussion, I'll leave it up to your inquisitive minds to mull over. Let's say this, she's a Saint. But everyone thinks she's a whore. She was a hot mess by force and not by her own actions.

So... the real Hot Mess Mary (a phrase I really like to use when talking about some of the females I know) was in fact, Jesus' Mom.

I'm not judging. If facing a death or prison sentence vs. birthing Christ, I'd birth the hell out of Christ and take all the frankincense and myrrh I could get my hands on...

Any historical people you'd like to see me talk about? Send 'em and I'll research a bit and point out their prominent roles in the current realization of the Hot Mess.

P.S. I'd like to welcome summer. Lots of Hot Messery to Commence!

A (Late, like your period) Note On Love and Sh%#t.

While I should have had a Valentine's Day post, I didn't. Why? I am forever screwing up things and this blog is absolutely no exception. Therefore, I've decided to give a post-VDay shout out to the hot messiest day of some peoples' year.

I won't even try to pretend I like Valentine's Day. When I was a small child and we brought cards to school for everyone, I would pout about having to give one to everyone; when my mother wasn't paying attention I would draw small frowns on the bottom right corner of the cards of people I didn't like. When in a relationship, I try to work 23.9 hours of the day. When not in one, I try to avoid the public until the candy goes on sale. The notion that there's a day of the year for people in relationships to celebrate their love both perplexes and disgusts me. Originally this was a flirting holiday for single people! Why must couples take everything?! Aren't anniversaries "love day" for couples?  Give the holiday back to the hot mess! It's really their day to undeniably ruin what's left of their tattered images and egos via throwing themselves at some unwilling and likely unknown person via candy chalk- flavored hearts that say stupid things like "U R CUTE." (I'm really hoping if I ever actually do this, my friends kill me or in the least, break my hands.)

I propose that in revolt all people should dump themselves in public. I mean let's face it, this whole Cupid bit is not really about the other person. It's about candy, cards, jewelry, and showing that no matter how many times you've come home too late, didn't remember to do that other important thing, vomited to the left of the toilet, slept with someone else or practiced extreme passive aggression in the last year(s): the sucker should forgive you. And you'll know if they did because they will give you a card, some candy, flowers, jewelry, a blow job or in the least, 5 minutes of PDA. So really, it's an ego boosting holiday that works via reverse psychology. Hence, I think it should be national "get over yourself" day. Go to dinner alone. Maybe keep switching sides of the table as you argue with yourself about how you aren't working out because you're too similar to you (this is a good one because you can agree on that and then argue about that), maybe even try throwing a glass of wine and switching to that side of the table before it inevitably hits the chair and floor, and otherwise causes a commotion. Ask the server for the check briskly, and exit stage left while giving that poor soul a 25% or higher tip for both making a scene and for potentially making a mess. It's helpful if one you cries and the other you stares off into space. Or you could try angry vs devastated or sure vs desperate... any one of these will do, and basically it's a grab bag of possibility. By the end of said meal everyone in your vicinity will have stared, laughed, or just left due to your seeming insanity. Your ego will wither like a grow animal on a heat vent. You can then go home knowing that 1. It takes a lot of dignity to behave so undignified 2. You can probably not do anything that tops that for a few weeks 3. Breaking up with yourself is actually harder than it sounds, and you really have made strides as a person and 4. The next day Ferrero Rocher will go on sale.

Another option is to throw yourself at someone. (Valentine's Day is not a necessity for a hot mess to do this, so keep this for future reference.) I recommend hooker boots, blue eye shadow and a boustier for women attempting this. For the gents, a striped half unbuttoned shirt and gelatinous hair. For the more shy folk, just remember, pretty much any person you talk to that isn't on a date with someone else (although if you throw yourself at someone in that situation and it goes well, seriously, I give you props. In fact, I'd like your number) is probably about to throw themselves at you as well, so don't hold back on the chalk candy! Remember as always, to prepare yourself with the proper protective gear (this may entail a helmet for some folks, but generally, I'm speaking of STD avoidance.) You don't want to be the genius that pondered this philosophical wonder (yes, I'd love your input):

*

And some additional advice in the "regret" segment: if for days later you can't seem to figure out the mystery person that keeps sending the "LET'S DO IT" and "NOW" and "MINE" and "NICE ANKLES" texts: you brought this on. You may need to text back that you're a 78 year old woman named Betty and you just had your 7 year old granddaughter show you how to do this texting thing, that you don't know who they are but your ancient juices are flowing- for the first time since Reagan challenged the filthy Soviet Gorbachev to"tear down this wall!" in Berlin. Then ask them if they'll meet you for a manhattan. I guarantee this will rid of anyone (and not only in this situation.)

If you're bitter at an ex there's always the option of sending them a ransom note of some sort. In that case it is helpful to have access to something of value to them. There's the much more simple note "thanks for last night" in bunch of flowers or card on VERY large card stock sent to their place of employment (men love getting flowers at work) and signed Rita or Hugh (sex of the ex and their preference is irrelevant in this case, unless of course their current lover is either Rita or Hugh, change name accordingly.) I mean a real hot mess will not refrain from being as bitter as publicly as possible. Passive aggression is not an option on Valentine's Day. You MUST be direct. I'm certain more than a few new couples' day was ruined by a stalker with a bottle of SoCo this year- eyeliner running due to the quantity of tears that could actually make a cup seem half empty, and then there's the "man sob." You know this one. It's where a grown man sobs and chokes like a 3 year old whilst pining away and listing all the wonderful things about that "special" someone that hates their guts for, well, having a man sob to begin with.

A last option is to go to a restaurant and observe the awkward first dates of other people, or go to a bar and observe hot messes in action on this particular day of the year. You will cover most of the bases listed prior if you do this. I think you'll find the awkward laughter and incessant facial touching amusing. This is the best option for the recovering hot mess (RHM) although... beware. Do not relapse! It will be difficult once you see beverages passing and several couples lingering over a shared (WTF is wrong with them?!) last bite of filet. BE STRONG. Just observe. Take notes. Be sure to include an awkward one-liners like, "Your eyes look like wheel barrows full of salt in the moonlight" (this line was actually once used on me by a guy wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off named Tim. I think. I can't remember. The line left me speechless and not in a sexy way.)

Although this was not a complete hot mess blog... I feel it has been scatter brained enough to be applicable. On that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day, and have plenty of candy to show for it.

*image pilfered from a random google image search months ago that contained the words "herpes love." Don't ask.

Holiday Hot Mess: A Mini Survival Guide

Welcome the holidays and all of the Hot Mess it brings with it!

First, a brief note on Parties...
The holidays are a bizarre time of year. Typically, one either chooses to clean up their act for family time or they choose to wreck their act with the excuse of too much family time. It's a time of love and peace... and drunk dialing. A time for merriment and glee... gone overboard. A time for hugs and love... and making out with whoever is nearest. A time for gifts and food... and competition. Yes, this could be a song. I've considered that already.

A friend of mine recently quipped that a party isn't a party until someone gets hurt or cries. That's the reality of most parties but is more likely to happen during the holidays. The holidays bring with them the compulsion for a normally sane and stable person to revert to being 12 and alone at a school dance. Yes, they are slightly awkward and everyone wonders what's wrong with them. Yes, they are entirely fine except for this distinctive time of year. No... they don't need your gawking sympathy! This is particularly likely if said person is single although, it is likely to happen if said person is merely emotional and/or intoxicated and/or sensitive and/or not wearing the year's coolest attire. It even happens to the anti-emo so don't feel left out or alone!

A tip or two:
1. Lose your phone and by that I mean, leave it at home or turn it off
2. Go out with people you actually pay attention to and avoid contact with others that you want to pay attention to but don't actually pay attention to you
3. Convince yourself you will end up with herpes if you do anything you didn't fully plan on
4. Play a silent challenge wherein you drink one water for each alcoholic beverage you consume. *Do not drink club soda or anything else with bubbles- the carbonation makes you drunk faster
5. Make your friends in charge. Make rules EARLY about cut off points and kicking the crap out of you to get you to leave once that point has been reached. If your friends can't do that put them on a list of things to revamp in the new year.
6. Don't cry in public. Just don't. Go to the bathroom and wash your face instead. Be sure to check your make up throughout this process.
7. If you must, pick your random make out partner BEFORE you start drinking. No one wants to wake up next to someone that should have a paper bag on their head to look at sober!

And Now... The Guide to Survival of the Family Holiday:
It's easy to go heavy on the libations during the holidays. It doesn't take a hot mess to do that. The difference between an average person's heavy consumption and a hot mess' is simply the outcome: one could wake up hung over or one could wake up hung over reeking of shame, loss of dignity, cigarettes, curious perfume/cologne, and alcohol WITH a hang over. Of course, if you wake up on Christmas Day as such, you then pull yourself together and traipse home to the family where you will face undeniable scrutiny while maintaining the face and air of being "together" for the day. Let's face the carols: Christmas and other similar holidays are more about your family ogling at you and picking apart your year so far (or whatever time period it has been since you were last not avoiding them) and less about just having a day or few off to bask in the undeniable joy of their company.  On the outside you have planned your red sweater and elf socks but on the inside you are donning your favorite carbonated alcohol free beverage at 9 am in attempt to prevent those outer items from becoming curiously stained by half digested fried food and bourbon. Yes, it did seem ever so smart to spend the evening before laughing at the holidays but no, they aren't so funny now. Insert small screaming child you haven't seen in 3 months. The only person truly laughing is your closest sibling who knows what is going on in your head... and stomach...

It is hard to pinpoint my favorite holiday hot mess. In recent years, it has to have been the night I broke a window in my home and woke up in pin striped pants to which my partner in crime quipped, "Expecting a flash business meeting on New Year's Day?" A tale for another time... The good thing is that for New Year's, you generally are allowed to be in a disheveled state: it is at least some what expected that you will be out of sorts. This  post will focus on proper etiquette for Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/whatever your major gift bearing/family gathering holiday of the year is:

First of all, I wasn't old enough to drink the first time I realized how difficult it is to make it through Christmas Day needing to sleep. It did not stop me however, as it simply did not scare me. In those days hang overs were rare. Ah, the youthful recovery! I didn't have furniture really, but I managed to empty vast sums of money into the account of the local pub. Even as a minor, my beverages of choice were ultimately whisky and guinness. Of course when you are a regular at a pub, you are known by everyone there so, being in the spirit of merriment they purchase multiple beverages for you and with you. Perhaps you wake up with your toothbrush in hand, half of your pajamas on and a spilled attempt at drinking a glass of water at your bedside. Did I mention the part where you are sleeping next to the toilet? First question: what day is it?! what time?! Next... Oh shit. Get the presents you barely wrapped in the damn car and get home! While you are doing that you are shaking profusely but don't notice because you are either 1. still intoxicated or 2. riding the pre-waves of a paranoid hang over you haven't hit yet. You realize the sad state you are in once you are in the (freezing cold) car and driving for a minute or two. Most of the car ride consists of convincing yourself that you are completely fine and the family will just be happy you are there. Or not. Yes, they'll love you. Or smell you. It will be so nice to see everyone. Or hide from them. You'll eat a big meal! And hopefully fall asleep some place.

Socialize:
Upon arrival everyone is excited you've (finally) arrived. There are of course quips from various knowing members of the family about your haggard state but these can be laughed off as playful family musings. The more attention you pay to them the more you admit your guilt! DO NOT get close to anyone if reek of alcohol and cigarettes. If you haven't bathed, you're essentially screwed for the next 3 hours. Be sure you douse yourself in something even if it's meant to be used on your hair and not your skin!
If you have to attend church/temple: make sure you actually shower and dress appropriately!
You don't have to be overly social, you can just laugh a lot. DO make sure you talk to everyone at least once. DO NOT go into lengthy tales. Also, make sure you answer all of the questions they ask about your life. Some things to plan ahead for:
1. How is everything? (It's going very well, thanks. I've been very busy.)
2. Do you like your job? (Yes, everything is moving along well. I've been working nonstop.)
3. Is school going well? (Oh it's great! I've learned a lot of things but it sure can be tiring! This gets the sympathy vote.)
4. Is there anyone special in your life? (If you are dating this is easy. If not, resist the urge to point out that everyone is special and most of the people in your life are particularly special: this is not PC)
5. What is your plan? This is a difficult one. If you're in school you can say you plan to finish school and start looking for a job. If you aren't you are some what stuck with a generic answer like "I'm saving money and looking into purchasing a ______ this year." It makes you sound responsible regardless as to the fact that your savings is in actuality, pathetic.

Dinner:
If you can't manage to actually eat the food (cranberry sauce is a favorite of mine, but not when hung over!) you must in the least swallow down one plateful. Don't fill the plate, just put a tiny quantity of each item and nibble at it slowly. If you can, fix your plate last so you are not eating for a long time- it is entirely convincing! When you are done eating, say repeatedly that you loved the food, are full and need a nap. Escape to a corner if possible.

Presents:
If they are poorly wrapped, mock yourself before someone else can mock you. You have now effectively made it so you never have to wrap a gift properly again; it can merely be the running joke in the family that you are poor at wrapping anything.

Random Tips:
It helps if someone in the family offers a beverage of sorts. That breaks the ice and gets you back on point! Also, it is helpful if you DON'T drop any children, precious ornaments or garments meant to be UNDER your outer garments. Even if you don't shower, make sure you wash your face and brush your teeth: it is noticeable if you're still wearing make up and/or have drooled all over yourself. Offer to help wash dishes or clean something, it scores major points with the oldest folks and everyone knows they are the ones you really need to worry about- your parents and siblings are already on to your shenanigans! Bring a plant. No one suspects someone of irresponsibility that brings a plant! If all else fails, make sure you don't reek of alcohol and pretend you are seriously ill. If you are going to be there a few days be sure you are still "ill" the next day just for further validation!

Of course the best way to avoid this is to go to bed at 9pm after a cup of tea and single cookie, but if you're reading this, I know you aren't doing that.

These things may or may not work for you. I don't know your family. However, they have all worked for me in the past. Be sure not to use all of the ploys on one holiday and disperse them evenly throughout the year/s for increased believe-ability! I offer no guarantees!

Being the Queen of Messes, I apologize for not offering this guide PRE-Chanukah/Christmas. However, I was occupied... wrapping presents for the family and sipping tea. Cheers!

Dignity Part I: We'll talk about shame later.

I'd like to dedicate this particular post to my friend Awesome.  We've had many talks about dignity (or the lack thereof) over the last few months and they are almost always useful. When they aren't useful, they are coupled with enough humor to more than compensate for the uselessness. Also, before I begin a nonsense filled discussion of dignity, I want to point out that I am a proponent of human rights and I do think all people deserve to be treated with dignity- even when they don't care if they are or not, as in those that by choice act without dignity. Blah blah blah, lets all hold hands.

Let us consider the definition of the term: 

Miriam-Webster Online:

dig·ni·ty  noun \ˈdig-nə-tē\

1. the quality or state of being worthy, honored or esteemed

2. a: high rank, office, or position

    b: a legal title of nobility or honor

3. archaic: dignitary

4. formal reserve or seriousness of manner, appearance or language

Urban Dictionary.com:

1. Relationship between dignity and alcohol is the opposite. As alcohol levels increase... dignity

decreases.

2. Something often left at bars and fraternities.

3. Often completely lost on Halloween.

The hot mess has a warped sense of dignity. Here are a few types of undignified messes. I suggest a mix and match method when trying to pin the hot mess you know...

Perhaps their ego is so big they actually believe they have a large amount of dignity but don't realize everyone else saw it fall on the ground and then get ran over by a rascal years ago (undignified mess type 1.) A good example of this would be that guy everyone knows in town that tries to make like he's "going some place" and is "really smart" but without fail, ends up embarrassing himself on a regular basis merely by bragging repeatedly about himself when in reality, it's a farce. He isn't going anywhere. He hasn't been anywhere. He just says it to swoon the hoards of dimwits he surrounds himself with to ensure his ego stays up there with Mount Everest's.  The fact is: Everest is not technically the tallest mountain in the world, Mauna Kea is, but Mauna Kea has dignity: it doesn't complain that no one recognizes that it really spans from the ocean floor and is actually 1500 meters taller than Everest. It just lets the bragging guy win because he looks so stupid bragging.

Or... they are unaware that there is such a thing and honestly overlook it (undignified mess type 2.) This type of undignified mess was probably born that way. This is a blame the bloody parents situation. They weren't loved enough, hugged enough or taught they should be worthy or esteemed or maybe they were found in a dumpster and raised by chickens. You can't blame this type for their lack of dignified behavior because they aren't aware that they were supposed to have it to begin with. This type is the least troublesome, but the most troubled at the same time. This is the person you actually feel bad for and may even talk to just to try and get them on the straight and narrow. It probably won't work and you'll probably beat your head on the wall trying but hey, if you have nothing better to do (and I do, I like to wash my hair), by all means, go for it. It is important to note that no drugs or alcohol are necessary for this person to do things without dignity. They probably have videos on youtube of them flashing strangers at truck stops and filming responses because "it's funny." Oh it is... but in the same way it is when you watch "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Disturbed rating is high.


Or... they just don't care that they have little to no dignity perhaps because they choose to overlook it because they are "fun" and "free spirited" (undignified mess type 3.) This dignity lacking being is self explanatory for the most part. We all know this one. This is the one that is very popular in town due to having been around it... probably more than once... and screams that they are liberated. Yes, they are. Hopefully they are also vaccinated and learn however slowly, that nothing they do is understated.


Or... they are fully aware of the loss of dignity over time and continue in a cycle of further un-dignity just because they aren't sure what else to do AKA it has just become the norm (undignified mess type 4.) This is probably the most sad variety of undignified mess to look upon because it involves a knowing repetition of faulty beliefs. This is the point where dignity and shame (a post in and of itself) collide... This is someone that is truly sane and intelligent but is caught in a never-ending cycle of realizing they have no dignity and then feeling bad about it so they run toward losing more dignity. They may even be aware of it as they do it yet figure they have "nothing to lose." A good example of this that person you know that is constantly involved in some drama, vomit pool or state of depression brought on by the drama, vomit and state of depression. This mess is popular because well, he/she is nice and the like and he/she is sane enough to actually function in the day to day and hell, this hot mess is fun and yet actually appears to those that don't know them well as reasonable. This is the well-managed mess without dignity. Most likely upon waking up hung over or disgusted with the self for whatever undignified behavior may or may not have been done the night before he/she thinks about it for 10 minutes before promptly making plans to do it over again "but different." It sounds like a good idea right? Except it never happens. This hot mess type leaves a wake of destruction in it's path but sadly enough, they are the most damaged in that wake. The good news is if they fall to the darkest reaches, they may actually have enough sense to reclaim dignity! Yes, it's possible!

Of course it is worthy to note that when looking upon the hot mess, as the observer (and in case 4, the participant) you REALLY want them to have some dignity for their own sake. Or... not. They are rather amusing to watch while out and about, no?

Images pilfered via google imaging "dignity"

A note from the Author

Apparently, my last post, which was posted just 2 hours ago, frustrated some people who were compelled to complain about it via email. Two emails contained quotes of intrigue. Please be warned, I said you could email, but I never said I wouldn't utilize your material- particularly when it humors me so much that you haven't figured out that I am not writing a serious blog about personal problems. This is not a space to seek  anything politically correct or moral or ethical. It's a space for those who live on the fringe of those things.

"[Hot Mess Yourself] is a seemingly shameful acceptance of abhorrent behavior..." -DK, New York, NY
This is not true. I never said anything along the lines of accepting or condoning such events or mess-ery, I'm simply doing my part to observe a social phenomenon and share it. If for some reason you do not like the content of the page, by all means, don't read it. Further, if you sincerely are offended it is most likely because something on this page applies to you. You may want to consider looking into that on your own time and not in my email. I am not a therapist but rather, a bored snarky person. I would like to thank you for that quote, I like it.

"Your page makes jokes about drug use and unsafe sex. These things are not funny and should not be made light of. Maybe you should consider focusing on teaching healthier lifestyles?" -BL, Quincy, MA
You sound like a middle aged and regretful "PC" lesbian. Again, I did not and do not condone either of these things, this is merely an observation. I did not make jokes about either of those things on the page, but rather, pointed out that these things go hand in hand with the 'Hot Mess' and situations otherwise. In addition, this website is not serious. If you or someone you know has an STD and an intravenous needle hanging out of their arm I'd be happy to post links to places to get help. You are also welcome to create your own blog about healthier lifestyles and use mine as a contrasting lifestyle reference.

Happy Monday to all!

Hot Mess Dating (?)

This topic is very far reaching and I cannot say that I truly believe one entry will do it justice. Let's consider this an introduction and go from there.

The first question here is whether or not hot messes actually go on dates at all (in the formal sense.) I'd be willing to wager that most hot messes find themselves in parked cars, church elevators, offices, and unknown locations and bedrooms. Likely they were asked there by someone intoxicated, married, or mentally challenged. Likely they themselves are also intoxicated, married or mentally challenged, but that's a totally different topic regarding the "logic" of the hot mess.

The beauty part of the hot mess is that some how, they are convinced this is good idea at the time it happens. Whether or not they wake up and still stand by that decision is up for debate and is dependent on the level of hot mess they actually are. For example, hot messes in the extreme zone of mess-ery tend to think whatever kind words said date spoke to them while trying to poke them the night before are actually true regardless as to evidence otherwise. They may even edit segments of speech the way extremist Christians edit the Bible in order to convince someone of their point, particularly when trying to condemn something or rationalize themselves to themselves and/or others. It's just the OPPOSITE with a hot mess, they edit speech to NOT show their mess-ery and deny any incriminating point made otherwise. Hey, I'm not judging, just noting. Remember Britney Spears' 48 hour marriage?! It's actually quite a brilliantly ignorant way to approach life! Instead of making mistakes, just rationalize every action! Call yourself adventurous! Call yourself curious! Call yourself a free spirit! There is a certain beauty in being able to live that way. It's a non-stop party in there...

Don't be confused here, the one night stand you regret is NOT the same thing as hot mess dating (?). One night stands happen. Hot messes repeat the same error of judgment over and over and over and tend to either feel no guilt or limited guilt (at least that is known to the general public, their therapist and anyone else they interact with sans their other hot mess friend.)

Criteria... hot mess dating (?)- perspective from the emotionally unhealthy/drug and/or alcohol involved as primary relationship hot mess. The hot mess that is plain emotionally unhealthy can be addressed later. 

[An on-going list]

• Little to no guilt/recognition as to how homely the person is woken up next to (and therefore, by association, the hot mess has become)
• homeliness can be physical, emotional or mental or a state of living (ie: married, self-pitying, herpes carrying...)
• Alcohol and/or drug involvement
• usually to the point of inebriation and with little or no memory of said agreement to go on said "date"
• sometimes there is plenty of memory of it however, it is blanketed in rationalization for the unhealthy situation. The hot mess has what we'll call the "bullshit rationalizing gene." As in, they are extremely adept at rationalizing their bullshit.
• typically the hot mess has a counter drug or addiction to alleviate the situation if they do in fact realize they have anxiety or guilt over the situation. This is usually prescribed and usually abused worse than the alcohol or other inebriating substance.
• Safety first? Unlikely and when it does happen usually someone has damaged the goods due to prior mentioned inebriation*
• Repetition of behavior. Every time. They are probably well known. They probably don't know they are well known. Whatever black hole they are trying to fill usually comes out yet again when they take out the alcohol and so begins the cycle again.
• Accompanied with actions is the belief that said date actually means what they are saying and further, the hot mess believes what they think they are feeling
• sometimes this belief carries over into the next day, month or year
• sometimes the fact that said date never speaks to them is rationalized that the other person is "complicated." A note on this: PUH-LEASE. If you honestly believe they are more complicated than any other person on Earth you may need to consider moving into the category of "Mess". There's nothing hot about rationalizing a douche bag after one has already rationalized sleeping with them. Take the blow. Move on!
• that feeling of wanting to hug or make out with someone while inebriated: it's not real. it's just the excessive glee and merriment brought on by drugs. if you wake up and are unable to feel exactly that pleased, you're 1. hungover and 2. in reality again.
• These are rarely actual dates because this particular breed of hot mess is too uncomfortable to actually go on "normal" dates- it would imply a sense of sobriety and/or rationale that just does not exist in this type's mind.**  
• Denial. This one is very important. The entire situation is typically denied both to the hot mess self and to friends/the public. The hot mess is usually not aware that most of the world can see what is going on with them and are just too polite to say anything.
• Settling for less. This is tricky to comment on because a hot mess settling for less is questionable in and of itself. If we use the idea that hot messes are in fact, reasonably sane or at least were at some point, this moves into the range of figuring out that they are a mess. Usually, when in the situation itself, they can't do that therefore, I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not.

This list is by no means complete. I haven't even reached the point of discussing the varying levels of emotional and mental unhealth involved here. For now... let's just stew on this.

* the safety component is really something to pay attention to.  No one wants an STD. I don't think. Or pregnancy. Usually. If you think it would be fun to go on a hay ride with a hot mess, bring your own protective gear. They haven't heard of it... or at least the importance of such.
** my therapist says I hit the nail on the head with commitment phobic and the hot mess. To be discussed in another post.