While I should have had a Valentine's Day post, I didn't. Why? I am forever screwing up things and this blog is absolutely no exception. Therefore, I've decided to give a post-VDay shout out to the hot messiest day of some peoples' year.
I won't even try to pretend I like Valentine's Day. When I was a small child and we brought cards to school for everyone, I would pout about having to give one to everyone; when my mother wasn't paying attention I would draw small frowns on the bottom right corner of the cards of people I didn't like. When in a relationship, I try to work 23.9 hours of the day. When not in one, I try to avoid the public until the candy goes on sale. The notion that there's a day of the year for people in relationships to celebrate their love both perplexes and disgusts me. Originally this was a flirting holiday for single people! Why must couples take everything?! Aren't anniversaries "love day" for couples? Give the holiday back to the hot mess! It's really their day to undeniably ruin what's left of their tattered images and egos via throwing themselves at some unwilling and likely unknown person via candy chalk- flavored hearts that say stupid things like "U R CUTE." (I'm really hoping if I ever actually do this, my friends kill me or in the least, break my hands.)
I propose that in revolt all people should dump themselves in public. I mean let's face it, this whole Cupid bit is not really about the other person. It's about candy, cards, jewelry, and showing that no matter how many times you've come home too late, didn't remember to do that other important thing, vomited to the left of the toilet, slept with someone else or practiced extreme passive aggression in the last year(s): the sucker should forgive you. And you'll know if they did because they will give you a card, some candy, flowers, jewelry, a blow job or in the least, 5 minutes of PDA. So really, it's an ego boosting holiday that works via reverse psychology. Hence, I think it should be national "get over yourself" day. Go to dinner alone. Maybe keep switching sides of the table as you argue with yourself about how you aren't working out because you're too similar to you (this is a good one because you can agree on that and then argue about that), maybe even try throwing a glass of wine and switching to that side of the table before it inevitably hits the chair and floor, and otherwise causes a commotion. Ask the server for the check briskly, and exit stage left while giving that poor soul a 25% or higher tip for both making a scene and for potentially making a mess. It's helpful if one you cries and the other you stares off into space. Or you could try angry vs devastated or sure vs desperate... any one of these will do, and basically it's a grab bag of possibility. By the end of said meal everyone in your vicinity will have stared, laughed, or just left due to your seeming insanity. Your ego will wither like a grow animal on a heat vent. You can then go home knowing that 1. It takes a lot of dignity to behave so undignified 2. You can probably not do anything that tops that for a few weeks 3. Breaking up with yourself is actually harder than it sounds, and you really have made strides as a person and 4. The next day Ferrero Rocher will go on sale.
Another option is to throw yourself at someone. (Valentine's Day is not a necessity for a hot mess to do this, so keep this for future reference.) I recommend hooker boots, blue eye shadow and a boustier for women attempting this. For the gents, a striped half unbuttoned shirt and gelatinous hair. For the more shy folk, just remember, pretty much any person you talk to that isn't on a date with someone else (although if you throw yourself at someone in that situation and it goes well, seriously, I give you props. In fact, I'd like your number) is probably about to throw themselves at you as well, so don't hold back on the chalk candy! Remember as always, to prepare yourself with the proper protective gear (this may entail a helmet for some folks, but generally, I'm speaking of STD avoidance.) You don't want to be the genius that pondered this philosophical wonder (yes, I'd love your input):
*
And some additional advice in the "regret" segment: if for days later you can't seem to figure out the mystery person that keeps sending the "LET'S DO IT" and "NOW" and "MINE" and "NICE ANKLES" texts: you brought this on. You may need to text back that you're a 78 year old woman named Betty and you just had your 7 year old granddaughter show you how to do this texting thing, that you don't know who they are but your ancient juices are flowing- for the first time since Reagan challenged the filthy Soviet Gorbachev to"tear down this wall!" in Berlin. Then ask them if they'll meet you for a manhattan. I guarantee this will rid of anyone (and not only in this situation.)
If you're bitter at an ex there's always the option of sending them a ransom note of some sort. In that case it is helpful to have access to something of value to them. There's the much more simple note "thanks for last night" in bunch of flowers or card on VERY large card stock sent to their place of employment (men love getting flowers at work) and signed Rita or Hugh (sex of the ex and their preference is irrelevant in this case, unless of course their current lover is either Rita or Hugh, change name accordingly.) I mean a real hot mess will not refrain from being as bitter as publicly as possible. Passive aggression is not an option on Valentine's Day. You MUST be direct. I'm certain more than a few new couples' day was ruined by a stalker with a bottle of SoCo this year- eyeliner running due to the quantity of tears that could actually make a cup seem half empty, and then there's the "man sob." You know this one. It's where a grown man sobs and chokes like a 3 year old whilst pining away and listing all the wonderful things about that "special" someone that hates their guts for, well, having a man sob to begin with.
A last option is to go to a restaurant and observe the awkward first dates of other people, or go to a bar and observe hot messes in action on this particular day of the year. You will cover most of the bases listed prior if you do this. I think you'll find the awkward laughter and incessant facial touching amusing. This is the best option for the recovering hot mess (RHM) although... beware. Do not relapse! It will be difficult once you see beverages passing and several couples lingering over a shared (WTF is wrong with them?!) last bite of filet. BE STRONG. Just observe. Take notes. Be sure to include an awkward one-liners like, "Your eyes look like wheel barrows full of salt in the moonlight" (this line was actually once used on me by a guy wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off named Tim. I think. I can't remember. The line left me speechless and not in a sexy way.)
Although this was not a complete hot mess blog... I feel it has been scatter brained enough to be applicable. On that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day, and have plenty of candy to show for it.
*image pilfered from a random google image search months ago that contained the words "herpes love." Don't ask.
I won't even try to pretend I like Valentine's Day. When I was a small child and we brought cards to school for everyone, I would pout about having to give one to everyone; when my mother wasn't paying attention I would draw small frowns on the bottom right corner of the cards of people I didn't like. When in a relationship, I try to work 23.9 hours of the day. When not in one, I try to avoid the public until the candy goes on sale. The notion that there's a day of the year for people in relationships to celebrate their love both perplexes and disgusts me. Originally this was a flirting holiday for single people! Why must couples take everything?! Aren't anniversaries "love day" for couples? Give the holiday back to the hot mess! It's really their day to undeniably ruin what's left of their tattered images and egos via throwing themselves at some unwilling and likely unknown person via candy chalk- flavored hearts that say stupid things like "U R CUTE." (I'm really hoping if I ever actually do this, my friends kill me or in the least, break my hands.)
I propose that in revolt all people should dump themselves in public. I mean let's face it, this whole Cupid bit is not really about the other person. It's about candy, cards, jewelry, and showing that no matter how many times you've come home too late, didn't remember to do that other important thing, vomited to the left of the toilet, slept with someone else or practiced extreme passive aggression in the last year(s): the sucker should forgive you. And you'll know if they did because they will give you a card, some candy, flowers, jewelry, a blow job or in the least, 5 minutes of PDA. So really, it's an ego boosting holiday that works via reverse psychology. Hence, I think it should be national "get over yourself" day. Go to dinner alone. Maybe keep switching sides of the table as you argue with yourself about how you aren't working out because you're too similar to you (this is a good one because you can agree on that and then argue about that), maybe even try throwing a glass of wine and switching to that side of the table before it inevitably hits the chair and floor, and otherwise causes a commotion. Ask the server for the check briskly, and exit stage left while giving that poor soul a 25% or higher tip for both making a scene and for potentially making a mess. It's helpful if one you cries and the other you stares off into space. Or you could try angry vs devastated or sure vs desperate... any one of these will do, and basically it's a grab bag of possibility. By the end of said meal everyone in your vicinity will have stared, laughed, or just left due to your seeming insanity. Your ego will wither like a grow animal on a heat vent. You can then go home knowing that 1. It takes a lot of dignity to behave so undignified 2. You can probably not do anything that tops that for a few weeks 3. Breaking up with yourself is actually harder than it sounds, and you really have made strides as a person and 4. The next day Ferrero Rocher will go on sale.
Another option is to throw yourself at someone. (Valentine's Day is not a necessity for a hot mess to do this, so keep this for future reference.) I recommend hooker boots, blue eye shadow and a boustier for women attempting this. For the gents, a striped half unbuttoned shirt and gelatinous hair. For the more shy folk, just remember, pretty much any person you talk to that isn't on a date with someone else (although if you throw yourself at someone in that situation and it goes well, seriously, I give you props. In fact, I'd like your number) is probably about to throw themselves at you as well, so don't hold back on the chalk candy! Remember as always, to prepare yourself with the proper protective gear (this may entail a helmet for some folks, but generally, I'm speaking of STD avoidance.) You don't want to be the genius that pondered this philosophical wonder (yes, I'd love your input):
*And some additional advice in the "regret" segment: if for days later you can't seem to figure out the mystery person that keeps sending the "LET'S DO IT" and "NOW" and "MINE" and "NICE ANKLES" texts: you brought this on. You may need to text back that you're a 78 year old woman named Betty and you just had your 7 year old granddaughter show you how to do this texting thing, that you don't know who they are but your ancient juices are flowing- for the first time since Reagan challenged the filthy Soviet Gorbachev to"tear down this wall!" in Berlin. Then ask them if they'll meet you for a manhattan. I guarantee this will rid of anyone (and not only in this situation.)
If you're bitter at an ex there's always the option of sending them a ransom note of some sort. In that case it is helpful to have access to something of value to them. There's the much more simple note "thanks for last night" in bunch of flowers or card on VERY large card stock sent to their place of employment (men love getting flowers at work) and signed Rita or Hugh (sex of the ex and their preference is irrelevant in this case, unless of course their current lover is either Rita or Hugh, change name accordingly.) I mean a real hot mess will not refrain from being as bitter as publicly as possible. Passive aggression is not an option on Valentine's Day. You MUST be direct. I'm certain more than a few new couples' day was ruined by a stalker with a bottle of SoCo this year- eyeliner running due to the quantity of tears that could actually make a cup seem half empty, and then there's the "man sob." You know this one. It's where a grown man sobs and chokes like a 3 year old whilst pining away and listing all the wonderful things about that "special" someone that hates their guts for, well, having a man sob to begin with.
A last option is to go to a restaurant and observe the awkward first dates of other people, or go to a bar and observe hot messes in action on this particular day of the year. You will cover most of the bases listed prior if you do this. I think you'll find the awkward laughter and incessant facial touching amusing. This is the best option for the recovering hot mess (RHM) although... beware. Do not relapse! It will be difficult once you see beverages passing and several couples lingering over a shared (WTF is wrong with them?!) last bite of filet. BE STRONG. Just observe. Take notes. Be sure to include an awkward one-liners like, "Your eyes look like wheel barrows full of salt in the moonlight" (this line was actually once used on me by a guy wearing a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off named Tim. I think. I can't remember. The line left me speechless and not in a sexy way.)
Although this was not a complete hot mess blog... I feel it has been scatter brained enough to be applicable. On that note, I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day, and have plenty of candy to show for it.
*image pilfered from a random google image search months ago that contained the words "herpes love." Don't ask.
