Welcome the holidays and all of the Hot Mess it brings with it!
First, a brief note on Parties...
The holidays are a bizarre time of year. Typically, one either chooses to clean up their act for family time or they choose to wreck their act with the excuse of too much family time. It's a time of love and peace... and drunk dialing. A time for merriment and glee... gone overboard. A time for hugs and love... and making out with whoever is nearest. A time for gifts and food... and competition. Yes, this could be a song. I've considered that already.
A friend of mine recently quipped that a party isn't a party until someone gets hurt or cries. That's the reality of most parties but is more likely to happen during the holidays. The holidays bring with them the compulsion for a normally sane and stable person to revert to being 12 and alone at a school dance. Yes, they are slightly awkward and everyone wonders what's wrong with them. Yes, they are entirely fine except for this distinctive time of year. No... they don't need your gawking sympathy! This is particularly likely if said person is single although, it is likely to happen if said person is merely emotional and/or intoxicated and/or sensitive and/or not wearing the year's coolest attire. It even happens to the anti-emo so don't feel left out or alone!
A tip or two:
1. Lose your phone and by that I mean, leave it at home or turn it off
2. Go out with people you actually pay attention to and avoid contact with others that you want to pay attention to but don't actually pay attention to you
3. Convince yourself you will end up with herpes if you do anything you didn't fully plan on
4. Play a silent challenge wherein you drink one water for each alcoholic beverage you consume. *Do not drink club soda or anything else with bubbles- the carbonation makes you drunk faster
5. Make your friends in charge. Make rules EARLY about cut off points and kicking the crap out of you to get you to leave once that point has been reached. If your friends can't do that put them on a list of things to revamp in the new year.
6. Don't cry in public. Just don't. Go to the bathroom and wash your face instead. Be sure to check your make up throughout this process.
7. If you must, pick your random make out partner BEFORE you start drinking. No one wants to wake up next to someone that should have a paper bag on their head to look at sober!
And Now... The Guide to Survival of the Family Holiday:
It's easy to go heavy on the libations during the holidays. It doesn't take a hot mess to do that. The difference between an average person's heavy consumption and a hot mess' is simply the outcome: one could wake up hung over or one could wake up hung over reeking of shame, loss of dignity, cigarettes, curious perfume/cologne, and alcohol WITH a hang over. Of course, if you wake up on Christmas Day as such, you then pull yourself together and traipse home to the family where you will face undeniable scrutiny while maintaining the face and air of being "together" for the day. Let's face the carols: Christmas and other similar holidays are more about your family ogling at you and picking apart your year so far (or whatever time period it has been since you were last not avoiding them) and less about just having a day or few off to bask in the undeniable joy of their company. On the outside you have planned your red sweater and elf socks but on the inside you are donning your favorite carbonated alcohol free beverage at 9 am in attempt to prevent those outer items from becoming curiously stained by half digested fried food and bourbon. Yes, it did seem ever so smart to spend the evening before laughing at the holidays but no, they aren't so funny now. Insert small screaming child you haven't seen in 3 months. The only person truly laughing is your closest sibling who knows what is going on in your head... and stomach...
It is hard to pinpoint my favorite holiday hot mess. In recent years, it has to have been the night I broke a window in my home and woke up in pin striped pants to which my partner in crime quipped, "Expecting a flash business meeting on New Year's Day?" A tale for another time... The good thing is that for New Year's, you generally are allowed to be in a disheveled state: it is at least some what expected that you will be out of sorts. This post will focus on proper etiquette for Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/whatever your major gift bearing/family gathering holiday of the year is:
First of all, I wasn't old enough to drink the first time I realized how difficult it is to make it through Christmas Day needing to sleep. It did not stop me however, as it simply did not scare me. In those days hang overs were rare. Ah, the youthful recovery! I didn't have furniture really, but I managed to empty vast sums of money into the account of the local pub. Even as a minor, my beverages of choice were ultimately whisky and guinness. Of course when you are a regular at a pub, you are known by everyone there so, being in the spirit of merriment they purchase multiple beverages for you and with you. Perhaps you wake up with your toothbrush in hand, half of your pajamas on and a spilled attempt at drinking a glass of water at your bedside. Did I mention the part where you are sleeping next to the toilet? First question: what day is it?! what time?! Next... Oh shit. Get the presents you barely wrapped in the damn car and get home! While you are doing that you are shaking profusely but don't notice because you are either 1. still intoxicated or 2. riding the pre-waves of a paranoid hang over you haven't hit yet. You realize the sad state you are in once you are in the (freezing cold) car and driving for a minute or two. Most of the car ride consists of convincing yourself that you are completely fine and the family will just be happy you are there. Or not. Yes, they'll love you. Or smell you. It will be so nice to see everyone. Or hide from them. You'll eat a big meal! And hopefully fall asleep some place.
Socialize:
Upon arrival everyone is excited you've (finally) arrived. There are of course quips from various knowing members of the family about your haggard state but these can be laughed off as playful family musings. The more attention you pay to them the more you admit your guilt! DO NOT get close to anyone if reek of alcohol and cigarettes. If you haven't bathed, you're essentially screwed for the next 3 hours. Be sure you douse yourself in something even if it's meant to be used on your hair and not your skin!
If you have to attend church/temple: make sure you actually shower and dress appropriately!
You don't have to be overly social, you can just laugh a lot. DO make sure you talk to everyone at least once. DO NOT go into lengthy tales. Also, make sure you answer all of the questions they ask about your life. Some things to plan ahead for:
1. How is everything? (It's going very well, thanks. I've been very busy.)
2. Do you like your job? (Yes, everything is moving along well. I've been working nonstop.)
3. Is school going well? (Oh it's great! I've learned a lot of things but it sure can be tiring! This gets the sympathy vote.)
4. Is there anyone special in your life? (If you are dating this is easy. If not, resist the urge to point out that everyone is special and most of the people in your life are particularly special: this is not PC)
5. What is your plan? This is a difficult one. If you're in school you can say you plan to finish school and start looking for a job. If you aren't you are some what stuck with a generic answer like "I'm saving money and looking into purchasing a ______ this year." It makes you sound responsible regardless as to the fact that your savings is in actuality, pathetic.
Dinner:
If you can't manage to actually eat the food (cranberry sauce is a favorite of mine, but not when hung over!) you must in the least swallow down one plateful. Don't fill the plate, just put a tiny quantity of each item and nibble at it slowly. If you can, fix your plate last so you are not eating for a long time- it is entirely convincing! When you are done eating, say repeatedly that you loved the food, are full and need a nap. Escape to a corner if possible.
Presents:
If they are poorly wrapped, mock yourself before someone else can mock you. You have now effectively made it so you never have to wrap a gift properly again; it can merely be the running joke in the family that you are poor at wrapping anything.
Random Tips:
It helps if someone in the family offers a beverage of sorts. That breaks the ice and gets you back on point! Also, it is helpful if you DON'T drop any children, precious ornaments or garments meant to be UNDER your outer garments. Even if you don't shower, make sure you wash your face and brush your teeth: it is noticeable if you're still wearing make up and/or have drooled all over yourself. Offer to help wash dishes or clean something, it scores major points with the oldest folks and everyone knows they are the ones you really need to worry about- your parents and siblings are already on to your shenanigans! Bring a plant. No one suspects someone of irresponsibility that brings a plant! If all else fails, make sure you don't reek of alcohol and pretend you are seriously ill. If you are going to be there a few days be sure you are still "ill" the next day just for further validation!
Of course the best way to avoid this is to go to bed at 9pm after a cup of tea and single cookie, but if you're reading this, I know you aren't doing that.
These things may or may not work for you. I don't know your family. However, they have all worked for me in the past. Be sure not to use all of the ploys on one holiday and disperse them evenly throughout the year/s for increased believe-ability! I offer no guarantees!
Being the Queen of Messes, I apologize for not offering this guide PRE-Chanukah/Christmas. However, I was occupied... wrapping presents for the family and sipping tea. Cheers!
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