The first question here is whether or not hot messes actually go on dates at all (in the formal sense.) I'd be willing to wager that most hot messes find themselves in parked cars, church elevators, offices, and unknown locations and bedrooms. Likely they were asked there by someone intoxicated, married, or mentally challenged. Likely they themselves are also intoxicated, married or mentally challenged, but that's a totally different topic regarding the "logic" of the hot mess.
The beauty part of the hot mess is that some how, they are convinced this is good idea at the time it happens. Whether or not they wake up and still stand by that decision is up for debate and is dependent on the level of hot mess they actually are. For example, hot messes in the extreme zone of mess-ery tend to think whatever kind words said date spoke to them while trying to poke them the night before are actually true regardless as to evidence otherwise. They may even edit segments of speech the way extremist Christians edit the Bible in order to convince someone of their point, particularly when trying to condemn something or rationalize themselves to themselves and/or others. It's just the OPPOSITE with a hot mess, they edit speech to NOT show their mess-ery and deny any incriminating point made otherwise. Hey, I'm not judging, just noting. Remember Britney Spears' 48 hour marriage?! It's actually quite a brilliantly ignorant way to approach life! Instead of making mistakes, just rationalize every action! Call yourself adventurous! Call yourself curious! Call yourself a free spirit! There is a certain beauty in being able to live that way. It's a non-stop party in there...
Don't be confused here, the one night stand you regret is NOT the same thing as hot mess dating (?). One night stands happen. Hot messes repeat the same error of judgment over and over and over and tend to either feel no guilt or limited guilt (at least that is known to the general public, their therapist and anyone else they interact with sans their other hot mess friend.)
Criteria... hot mess dating (?)- perspective from the emotionally unhealthy/drug and/or alcohol involved as primary relationship hot mess. The hot mess that is plain emotionally unhealthy can be addressed later.
[An on-going list]
- Little to no guilt/recognition as to how homely the person is woken up next to (and therefore, by association, the hot mess has become)
- homeliness can be physical, emotional or mental or a state of living (ie: married, self-pitying, herpes carrying...)
- Alcohol and/or drug involvement
- usually to the point of inebriation and with little or no memory of said agreement to go on said "date"
- sometimes there is plenty of memory of it however, it is blanketed in rationalization for the unhealthy situation. The hot mess has what we'll call the "bullshit rationalizing gene." As in, they are extremely adept at rationalizing their bullshit.
- typically the hot mess has a counter drug or addiction to alleviate the situation if they do in fact realize they have anxiety or guilt over the situation. This is usually prescribed and usually abused worse than the alcohol or other inebriating substance.
- Safety first? Unlikely and when it does happen usually someone has damaged the goods due to prior mentioned inebriation*
- Repetition of behavior. Every time. They are probably well known. They probably don't know they are well known. Whatever black hole they are trying to fill usually comes out yet again when they take out the alcohol and so begins the cycle again.
- Accompanied with actions is the belief that said date actually means what they are saying and further, the hot mess believes what they think they are feeling
- sometimes this belief carries over into the next day, month or year
- sometimes the fact that said date never speaks to them is rationalized that the other person is "complicated." A note on this: PUH-LEASE. If you honestly believe they are more complicated than any other person on Earth you may need to consider moving into the category of "Mess". There's nothing hot about rationalizing a douche bag after one has already rationalized sleeping with them. Take the blow. Move on!
- that feeling of wanting to hug or make out with someone while inebriated: it's not real. it's just the excessive glee and merriment brought on by drugs. if you wake up and are unable to feel exactly that pleased, you're 1. hungover and 2. in reality again.
- These are rarely actual dates because this particular breed of hot mess is too uncomfortable to actually go on "normal" dates- it would imply a sense of sobriety and/or rationale that just does not exist in this type's mind.**
- Denial. This one is very important. The entire situation is typically denied both to the hot mess self and to friends/the public. The hot mess is usually not aware that most of the world can see what is going on with them and are just too polite to say anything.
- Settling for less. This is tricky to comment on because a hot mess settling for less is questionable in and of itself. If we use the idea that hot messes are in fact, reasonably sane or at least were at some point, this moves into the range of figuring out that they are a mess. Usually, when in the situation itself, they can't do that therefore, I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not.
* the safety component is really something to pay attention to. No one wants an STD. I don't think. Or pregnancy. Usually. If you think it would be fun to go on a hay ride with a hot mess, bring your own protective gear. They haven't heard of it... or at least the importance of such.
** my therapist says I hit the nail on the head with commitment phobic and the hot mess. To be discussed in another post.
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