... the perfume most often adorned by the hot mess.
Now the hot mess most likely has feelings of shame... but those feelings of shame are often trumped by the urge to participate in hot mess situations. These situations tend to occur frequently and in repeat mode. For example, say one realizes they should not be participating in some particular behavior- that may create a momentary discord and refrain. Maybe for a day. Maybe for a week. Likely for 10 minutes. But here's the thing with shame: it's magical and disappears with others' approval. In this sense the hot mess uses the "be a follower not a leader" tactic and carries on the behavior once the shame appears to have subsided. Or until they are intoxicated enough to not feel shame at all.
This is certainly not to say that alcohol has to be involved. Some people just carry shame- and shame is contagious. When it comes together in groups it flourishes, much like the plague. If one shame-filled hot mess encounters another they then commiserate. This works as a secondary shame shield. The shame then becomes a laughable symptom of personality. Solid! Groupthink is amazing stuff... nothing like making regret seem posh! If everyone else's is doing it, it can't really be that bad, right?! Hot mess groups tend to collect shame into little tales of humour, which in turn makes it not seem so bad. Further you can then try to top each shameful adventure your friends pursue with your own shameful adventure! It's the world's most intriguing game of FAIL ever! It's a dysfunctional club with a functional purpose. Consider how popularized the term "walk of shame" is?! And you're all lying assholes if you haven't ever participated in such. We've all done it. Not as many times as a hot mess, but we've all done it.
Shame is a tricky subject to write about. The problem with shame and the hot mess is that it's not a black and white relationship. While shame can be a result of being a hot mess, being a hot mess does not always invoke real shame: I can hear every psych professor I have ever had screaming "correlation is not causation" as I type this... This post will explore the cyclic love-hate relationship between the hot mess and shame.
Let's take a look at the definition of shame:
Miriam Webster Online
- a. A painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b. The susceptibility to such emotion (have you no shame?)
- A condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute
- a. Something that brings censure or reproach; also: something to be regretted b. a cause of feeling shame
Urban Dictionary
- An expression of shock or disgust, used mildly in the '60s and '70s (Shame! I can't believe you just said that!)
- a. A painful emotion caused by a sense of guilt, embarrassment, dishonor; a feeling of being unworthy or disgraced b. Something that is very regrettable or is a great disappointment
- n: George Bush v: the feeling people have for George Bush
- A terminal disease in some parts of the galaxy
Now the hot mess most likely has feelings of shame... but those feelings of shame are often trumped by the urge to participate in hot mess situations. These situations tend to occur frequently and in repeat mode. For example, say one realizes they should not be participating in some particular behavior- that may create a momentary discord and refrain. Maybe for a day. Maybe for a week. Likely for 10 minutes. But here's the thing with shame: it's magical and disappears with others' approval. In this sense the hot mess uses the "be a follower not a leader" tactic and carries on the behavior once the shame appears to have subsided. Or until they are intoxicated enough to not feel shame at all. Alcohol and drugs are huge contributing shame reduction tactics. Alcohol, or the Shame Negator as I like to call it, has the effect of making shame disappear in a magical cloud of "I do what I want". This is a particular problem if one is already a gratification on the spot junky- and most hot messes are. After the drugs and alcohol come waking up hung over and the shame kicks you in the vagina. Or maybe it just punches you if you're still in a fog. The hot mess then does the next best thing it can to reduce the feeling of shame: reach for the anxiety meds. Yep. Very useful. Benzodiazepines are part of the hot mess' conscious that says,"NO, do it again. It's not that bad. It's fine... see, your heart rate is normal again. You weren't that drunk, everyone else was and no one will remember or care today." They are what I like to call the Shame Shield. This is a really dangerous thing. It's covering shame with a lovely layer or peacefulness and acceptance. I think you can all see where this is going. The hot mess then gets caught in a loop of medicating medication. What they're really medicating is the Shame Game.
This is certainly not to say that alcohol has to be involved. Some people just carry shame- and shame is contagious. When it comes together in groups it flourishes, much like the plague. If one shame-filled hot mess encounters another they then commiserate. This works as a secondary shame shield. The shame then becomes a laughable symptom of personality. Solid! Groupthink is amazing stuff... nothing like making regret seem posh! If everyone else's is doing it, it can't really be that bad, right?! Hot mess groups tend to collect shame into little tales of humour, which in turn makes it not seem so bad. Further you can then try to top each shameful adventure your friends pursue with your own shameful adventure! It's the world's most intriguing game of FAIL ever! It's a dysfunctional club with a functional purpose. Consider how popularized the term "walk of shame" is?! And you're all lying assholes if you haven't ever participated in such. We've all done it. Not as many times as a hot mess, but we've all done it. What makes the hot mess so uniquely intertwined with shame is that it loves to hate it and hates that it loves it. The complicated relationship between hot mess-dom and shame is similar to the relationship water has to the human body; it's all over the damn place and a vital built in feature: you can avoid drinking water but you can't avoid the repercussions of doing so.
