Holiday Hot Mess: A Mini Survival Guide

Welcome the holidays and all of the Hot Mess it brings with it!

First, a brief note on Parties...
The holidays are a bizarre time of year. Typically, one either chooses to clean up their act for family time or they choose to wreck their act with the excuse of too much family time. It's a time of love and peace... and drunk dialing. A time for merriment and glee... gone overboard. A time for hugs and love... and making out with whoever is nearest. A time for gifts and food... and competition. Yes, this could be a song. I've considered that already.

A friend of mine recently quipped that a party isn't a party until someone gets hurt or cries. That's the reality of most parties but is more likely to happen during the holidays. The holidays bring with them the compulsion for a normally sane and stable person to revert to being 12 and alone at a school dance. Yes, they are slightly awkward and everyone wonders what's wrong with them. Yes, they are entirely fine except for this distinctive time of year. No... they don't need your gawking sympathy! This is particularly likely if said person is single although, it is likely to happen if said person is merely emotional and/or intoxicated and/or sensitive and/or not wearing the year's coolest attire. It even happens to the anti-emo so don't feel left out or alone!

A tip or two:
1. Lose your phone and by that I mean, leave it at home or turn it off
2. Go out with people you actually pay attention to and avoid contact with others that you want to pay attention to but don't actually pay attention to you
3. Convince yourself you will end up with herpes if you do anything you didn't fully plan on
4. Play a silent challenge wherein you drink one water for each alcoholic beverage you consume. *Do not drink club soda or anything else with bubbles- the carbonation makes you drunk faster
5. Make your friends in charge. Make rules EARLY about cut off points and kicking the crap out of you to get you to leave once that point has been reached. If your friends can't do that put them on a list of things to revamp in the new year.
6. Don't cry in public. Just don't. Go to the bathroom and wash your face instead. Be sure to check your make up throughout this process.
7. If you must, pick your random make out partner BEFORE you start drinking. No one wants to wake up next to someone that should have a paper bag on their head to look at sober!

And Now... The Guide to Survival of the Family Holiday:
It's easy to go heavy on the libations during the holidays. It doesn't take a hot mess to do that. The difference between an average person's heavy consumption and a hot mess' is simply the outcome: one could wake up hung over or one could wake up hung over reeking of shame, loss of dignity, cigarettes, curious perfume/cologne, and alcohol WITH a hang over. Of course, if you wake up on Christmas Day as such, you then pull yourself together and traipse home to the family where you will face undeniable scrutiny while maintaining the face and air of being "together" for the day. Let's face the carols: Christmas and other similar holidays are more about your family ogling at you and picking apart your year so far (or whatever time period it has been since you were last not avoiding them) and less about just having a day or few off to bask in the undeniable joy of their company.  On the outside you have planned your red sweater and elf socks but on the inside you are donning your favorite carbonated alcohol free beverage at 9 am in attempt to prevent those outer items from becoming curiously stained by half digested fried food and bourbon. Yes, it did seem ever so smart to spend the evening before laughing at the holidays but no, they aren't so funny now. Insert small screaming child you haven't seen in 3 months. The only person truly laughing is your closest sibling who knows what is going on in your head... and stomach...

It is hard to pinpoint my favorite holiday hot mess. In recent years, it has to have been the night I broke a window in my home and woke up in pin striped pants to which my partner in crime quipped, "Expecting a flash business meeting on New Year's Day?" A tale for another time... The good thing is that for New Year's, you generally are allowed to be in a disheveled state: it is at least some what expected that you will be out of sorts. This  post will focus on proper etiquette for Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanza/whatever your major gift bearing/family gathering holiday of the year is:

First of all, I wasn't old enough to drink the first time I realized how difficult it is to make it through Christmas Day needing to sleep. It did not stop me however, as it simply did not scare me. In those days hang overs were rare. Ah, the youthful recovery! I didn't have furniture really, but I managed to empty vast sums of money into the account of the local pub. Even as a minor, my beverages of choice were ultimately whisky and guinness. Of course when you are a regular at a pub, you are known by everyone there so, being in the spirit of merriment they purchase multiple beverages for you and with you. Perhaps you wake up with your toothbrush in hand, half of your pajamas on and a spilled attempt at drinking a glass of water at your bedside. Did I mention the part where you are sleeping next to the toilet? First question: what day is it?! what time?! Next... Oh shit. Get the presents you barely wrapped in the damn car and get home! While you are doing that you are shaking profusely but don't notice because you are either 1. still intoxicated or 2. riding the pre-waves of a paranoid hang over you haven't hit yet. You realize the sad state you are in once you are in the (freezing cold) car and driving for a minute or two. Most of the car ride consists of convincing yourself that you are completely fine and the family will just be happy you are there. Or not. Yes, they'll love you. Or smell you. It will be so nice to see everyone. Or hide from them. You'll eat a big meal! And hopefully fall asleep some place.

Socialize:
Upon arrival everyone is excited you've (finally) arrived. There are of course quips from various knowing members of the family about your haggard state but these can be laughed off as playful family musings. The more attention you pay to them the more you admit your guilt! DO NOT get close to anyone if reek of alcohol and cigarettes. If you haven't bathed, you're essentially screwed for the next 3 hours. Be sure you douse yourself in something even if it's meant to be used on your hair and not your skin!
If you have to attend church/temple: make sure you actually shower and dress appropriately!
You don't have to be overly social, you can just laugh a lot. DO make sure you talk to everyone at least once. DO NOT go into lengthy tales. Also, make sure you answer all of the questions they ask about your life. Some things to plan ahead for:
1. How is everything? (It's going very well, thanks. I've been very busy.)
2. Do you like your job? (Yes, everything is moving along well. I've been working nonstop.)
3. Is school going well? (Oh it's great! I've learned a lot of things but it sure can be tiring! This gets the sympathy vote.)
4. Is there anyone special in your life? (If you are dating this is easy. If not, resist the urge to point out that everyone is special and most of the people in your life are particularly special: this is not PC)
5. What is your plan? This is a difficult one. If you're in school you can say you plan to finish school and start looking for a job. If you aren't you are some what stuck with a generic answer like "I'm saving money and looking into purchasing a ______ this year." It makes you sound responsible regardless as to the fact that your savings is in actuality, pathetic.

Dinner:
If you can't manage to actually eat the food (cranberry sauce is a favorite of mine, but not when hung over!) you must in the least swallow down one plateful. Don't fill the plate, just put a tiny quantity of each item and nibble at it slowly. If you can, fix your plate last so you are not eating for a long time- it is entirely convincing! When you are done eating, say repeatedly that you loved the food, are full and need a nap. Escape to a corner if possible.

Presents:
If they are poorly wrapped, mock yourself before someone else can mock you. You have now effectively made it so you never have to wrap a gift properly again; it can merely be the running joke in the family that you are poor at wrapping anything.

Random Tips:
It helps if someone in the family offers a beverage of sorts. That breaks the ice and gets you back on point! Also, it is helpful if you DON'T drop any children, precious ornaments or garments meant to be UNDER your outer garments. Even if you don't shower, make sure you wash your face and brush your teeth: it is noticeable if you're still wearing make up and/or have drooled all over yourself. Offer to help wash dishes or clean something, it scores major points with the oldest folks and everyone knows they are the ones you really need to worry about- your parents and siblings are already on to your shenanigans! Bring a plant. No one suspects someone of irresponsibility that brings a plant! If all else fails, make sure you don't reek of alcohol and pretend you are seriously ill. If you are going to be there a few days be sure you are still "ill" the next day just for further validation!

Of course the best way to avoid this is to go to bed at 9pm after a cup of tea and single cookie, but if you're reading this, I know you aren't doing that.

These things may or may not work for you. I don't know your family. However, they have all worked for me in the past. Be sure not to use all of the ploys on one holiday and disperse them evenly throughout the year/s for increased believe-ability! I offer no guarantees!

Being the Queen of Messes, I apologize for not offering this guide PRE-Chanukah/Christmas. However, I was occupied... wrapping presents for the family and sipping tea. Cheers!

Dignity Part I: We'll talk about shame later.

I'd like to dedicate this particular post to my friend Awesome.  We've had many talks about dignity (or the lack thereof) over the last few months and they are almost always useful. When they aren't useful, they are coupled with enough humor to more than compensate for the uselessness. Also, before I begin a nonsense filled discussion of dignity, I want to point out that I am a proponent of human rights and I do think all people deserve to be treated with dignity- even when they don't care if they are or not, as in those that by choice act without dignity. Blah blah blah, lets all hold hands.

Let us consider the definition of the term: 

Miriam-Webster Online:

dig·ni·ty  noun \ˈdig-nə-tē\

1. the quality or state of being worthy, honored or esteemed

2. a: high rank, office, or position

    b: a legal title of nobility or honor

3. archaic: dignitary

4. formal reserve or seriousness of manner, appearance or language

Urban Dictionary.com:

1. Relationship between dignity and alcohol is the opposite. As alcohol levels increase... dignity

decreases.

2. Something often left at bars and fraternities.

3. Often completely lost on Halloween.

The hot mess has a warped sense of dignity. Here are a few types of undignified messes. I suggest a mix and match method when trying to pin the hot mess you know...

Perhaps their ego is so big they actually believe they have a large amount of dignity but don't realize everyone else saw it fall on the ground and then get ran over by a rascal years ago (undignified mess type 1.) A good example of this would be that guy everyone knows in town that tries to make like he's "going some place" and is "really smart" but without fail, ends up embarrassing himself on a regular basis merely by bragging repeatedly about himself when in reality, it's a farce. He isn't going anywhere. He hasn't been anywhere. He just says it to swoon the hoards of dimwits he surrounds himself with to ensure his ego stays up there with Mount Everest's.  The fact is: Everest is not technically the tallest mountain in the world, Mauna Kea is, but Mauna Kea has dignity: it doesn't complain that no one recognizes that it really spans from the ocean floor and is actually 1500 meters taller than Everest. It just lets the bragging guy win because he looks so stupid bragging.

Or... they are unaware that there is such a thing and honestly overlook it (undignified mess type 2.) This type of undignified mess was probably born that way. This is a blame the bloody parents situation. They weren't loved enough, hugged enough or taught they should be worthy or esteemed or maybe they were found in a dumpster and raised by chickens. You can't blame this type for their lack of dignified behavior because they aren't aware that they were supposed to have it to begin with. This type is the least troublesome, but the most troubled at the same time. This is the person you actually feel bad for and may even talk to just to try and get them on the straight and narrow. It probably won't work and you'll probably beat your head on the wall trying but hey, if you have nothing better to do (and I do, I like to wash my hair), by all means, go for it. It is important to note that no drugs or alcohol are necessary for this person to do things without dignity. They probably have videos on youtube of them flashing strangers at truck stops and filming responses because "it's funny." Oh it is... but in the same way it is when you watch "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Disturbed rating is high.


Or... they just don't care that they have little to no dignity perhaps because they choose to overlook it because they are "fun" and "free spirited" (undignified mess type 3.) This dignity lacking being is self explanatory for the most part. We all know this one. This is the one that is very popular in town due to having been around it... probably more than once... and screams that they are liberated. Yes, they are. Hopefully they are also vaccinated and learn however slowly, that nothing they do is understated.


Or... they are fully aware of the loss of dignity over time and continue in a cycle of further un-dignity just because they aren't sure what else to do AKA it has just become the norm (undignified mess type 4.) This is probably the most sad variety of undignified mess to look upon because it involves a knowing repetition of faulty beliefs. This is the point where dignity and shame (a post in and of itself) collide... This is someone that is truly sane and intelligent but is caught in a never-ending cycle of realizing they have no dignity and then feeling bad about it so they run toward losing more dignity. They may even be aware of it as they do it yet figure they have "nothing to lose." A good example of this that person you know that is constantly involved in some drama, vomit pool or state of depression brought on by the drama, vomit and state of depression. This mess is popular because well, he/she is nice and the like and he/she is sane enough to actually function in the day to day and hell, this hot mess is fun and yet actually appears to those that don't know them well as reasonable. This is the well-managed mess without dignity. Most likely upon waking up hung over or disgusted with the self for whatever undignified behavior may or may not have been done the night before he/she thinks about it for 10 minutes before promptly making plans to do it over again "but different." It sounds like a good idea right? Except it never happens. This hot mess type leaves a wake of destruction in it's path but sadly enough, they are the most damaged in that wake. The good news is if they fall to the darkest reaches, they may actually have enough sense to reclaim dignity! Yes, it's possible!

Of course it is worthy to note that when looking upon the hot mess, as the observer (and in case 4, the participant) you REALLY want them to have some dignity for their own sake. Or... not. They are rather amusing to watch while out and about, no?

Images pilfered via google imaging "dignity"

A note from the Author

Apparently, my last post, which was posted just 2 hours ago, frustrated some people who were compelled to complain about it via email. Two emails contained quotes of intrigue. Please be warned, I said you could email, but I never said I wouldn't utilize your material- particularly when it humors me so much that you haven't figured out that I am not writing a serious blog about personal problems. This is not a space to seek  anything politically correct or moral or ethical. It's a space for those who live on the fringe of those things.

"[Hot Mess Yourself] is a seemingly shameful acceptance of abhorrent behavior..." -DK, New York, NY
This is not true. I never said anything along the lines of accepting or condoning such events or mess-ery, I'm simply doing my part to observe a social phenomenon and share it. If for some reason you do not like the content of the page, by all means, don't read it. Further, if you sincerely are offended it is most likely because something on this page applies to you. You may want to consider looking into that on your own time and not in my email. I am not a therapist but rather, a bored snarky person. I would like to thank you for that quote, I like it.

"Your page makes jokes about drug use and unsafe sex. These things are not funny and should not be made light of. Maybe you should consider focusing on teaching healthier lifestyles?" -BL, Quincy, MA
You sound like a middle aged and regretful "PC" lesbian. Again, I did not and do not condone either of these things, this is merely an observation. I did not make jokes about either of those things on the page, but rather, pointed out that these things go hand in hand with the 'Hot Mess' and situations otherwise. In addition, this website is not serious. If you or someone you know has an STD and an intravenous needle hanging out of their arm I'd be happy to post links to places to get help. You are also welcome to create your own blog about healthier lifestyles and use mine as a contrasting lifestyle reference.

Happy Monday to all!

Hot Mess Dating (?)

This topic is very far reaching and I cannot say that I truly believe one entry will do it justice. Let's consider this an introduction and go from there.

The first question here is whether or not hot messes actually go on dates at all (in the formal sense.) I'd be willing to wager that most hot messes find themselves in parked cars, church elevators, offices, and unknown locations and bedrooms. Likely they were asked there by someone intoxicated, married, or mentally challenged. Likely they themselves are also intoxicated, married or mentally challenged, but that's a totally different topic regarding the "logic" of the hot mess.

The beauty part of the hot mess is that some how, they are convinced this is good idea at the time it happens. Whether or not they wake up and still stand by that decision is up for debate and is dependent on the level of hot mess they actually are. For example, hot messes in the extreme zone of mess-ery tend to think whatever kind words said date spoke to them while trying to poke them the night before are actually true regardless as to evidence otherwise. They may even edit segments of speech the way extremist Christians edit the Bible in order to convince someone of their point, particularly when trying to condemn something or rationalize themselves to themselves and/or others. It's just the OPPOSITE with a hot mess, they edit speech to NOT show their mess-ery and deny any incriminating point made otherwise. Hey, I'm not judging, just noting. Remember Britney Spears' 48 hour marriage?! It's actually quite a brilliantly ignorant way to approach life! Instead of making mistakes, just rationalize every action! Call yourself adventurous! Call yourself curious! Call yourself a free spirit! There is a certain beauty in being able to live that way. It's a non-stop party in there...

Don't be confused here, the one night stand you regret is NOT the same thing as hot mess dating (?). One night stands happen. Hot messes repeat the same error of judgment over and over and over and tend to either feel no guilt or limited guilt (at least that is known to the general public, their therapist and anyone else they interact with sans their other hot mess friend.)

Criteria... hot mess dating (?)- perspective from the emotionally unhealthy/drug and/or alcohol involved as primary relationship hot mess. The hot mess that is plain emotionally unhealthy can be addressed later. 

[An on-going list]

• Little to no guilt/recognition as to how homely the person is woken up next to (and therefore, by association, the hot mess has become)
• homeliness can be physical, emotional or mental or a state of living (ie: married, self-pitying, herpes carrying...)
• Alcohol and/or drug involvement
• usually to the point of inebriation and with little or no memory of said agreement to go on said "date"
• sometimes there is plenty of memory of it however, it is blanketed in rationalization for the unhealthy situation. The hot mess has what we'll call the "bullshit rationalizing gene." As in, they are extremely adept at rationalizing their bullshit.
• typically the hot mess has a counter drug or addiction to alleviate the situation if they do in fact realize they have anxiety or guilt over the situation. This is usually prescribed and usually abused worse than the alcohol or other inebriating substance.
• Safety first? Unlikely and when it does happen usually someone has damaged the goods due to prior mentioned inebriation*
• Repetition of behavior. Every time. They are probably well known. They probably don't know they are well known. Whatever black hole they are trying to fill usually comes out yet again when they take out the alcohol and so begins the cycle again.
• Accompanied with actions is the belief that said date actually means what they are saying and further, the hot mess believes what they think they are feeling
• sometimes this belief carries over into the next day, month or year
• sometimes the fact that said date never speaks to them is rationalized that the other person is "complicated." A note on this: PUH-LEASE. If you honestly believe they are more complicated than any other person on Earth you may need to consider moving into the category of "Mess". There's nothing hot about rationalizing a douche bag after one has already rationalized sleeping with them. Take the blow. Move on!
• that feeling of wanting to hug or make out with someone while inebriated: it's not real. it's just the excessive glee and merriment brought on by drugs. if you wake up and are unable to feel exactly that pleased, you're 1. hungover and 2. in reality again.
• These are rarely actual dates because this particular breed of hot mess is too uncomfortable to actually go on "normal" dates- it would imply a sense of sobriety and/or rationale that just does not exist in this type's mind.**  
• Denial. This one is very important. The entire situation is typically denied both to the hot mess self and to friends/the public. The hot mess is usually not aware that most of the world can see what is going on with them and are just too polite to say anything.
• Settling for less. This is tricky to comment on because a hot mess settling for less is questionable in and of itself. If we use the idea that hot messes are in fact, reasonably sane or at least were at some point, this moves into the range of figuring out that they are a mess. Usually, when in the situation itself, they can't do that therefore, I'm not sure if this makes any sense or not.

This list is by no means complete. I haven't even reached the point of discussing the varying levels of emotional and mental unhealth involved here. For now... let's just stew on this.

* the safety component is really something to pay attention to.  No one wants an STD. I don't think. Or pregnancy. Usually. If you think it would be fun to go on a hay ride with a hot mess, bring your own protective gear. They haven't heard of it... or at least the importance of such.
** my therapist says I hit the nail on the head with commitment phobic and the hot mess. To be discussed in another post.

Moving Along Quickly...

I've begun the process of starting the actual website "Hot Mess Yourself.com" so please, hold tight!

In the beginning...

"You know dear, if you don't want a morning after, you should not have a night before"- my Grandmother to me over breakfast at a pumpkin farm, 1997-ish.

Criteria #23: Has been lectured by one or more people regarding beverage consumption.
This quote stuck with me, and I still like to bust it out as a self penalty. It is a very wise statement, and is tied very closely to most hot mess statuses (although not all.) It took place during my first visible hangover. I had, the night before, decided that since I had to meet my mother and Grandparents for breakfast very early in the morning, I should therefore drink half a case of Labatt Blue and jump on a trampoline the entire night. This was not pretty. I did vomit, over the edge of the trampoline, a quantity of macaroni and cheese, Labatt and Boone's Farm (yeah, you've all done it, don't lie) that evening.

Upon waking up I felt quite ill, but reluctantly got in the car to go to the pumpkin farm. Mostly, it was guilt (which as adults, we call anxiety... or denial.) I knew I had done something wrong, and I knew the best way to erase that with my mother, who at the time, had quit drinking for about 4 years and could smell alcohol a mile away, was to pretend I really wanted to go hang out with old people over breakfast. I didn't want to eat anything. It pained me to smell food, and it pained me even more to hear children laughing while trying to navigate the hoards of people shopping for pumpkins and getting their faces painted. My feet were dragging as I navigated the gourds blindly with sunglasses indoors. All I wanted was to die or to be at home watching cartoons. I looked at the menu and thought really hard about what I might be able to swallow and decided a pancake would do. These were NOT normal pancakes. They were 2 HUGE flapjacks that took up the whole plate. I poked at them and stared into space while everyone else ate. My Grandfather was disgusted. He would barely speak to me. When he got up to look at pumpkins my Grandmother leaned over the table, set her hand on my arm and whispered the (above) famous quote. It was the first time someone said something to me about the number of beverages I had consumed, and it was not the last. It was however, the last time I EVER drank Canadian beer... until my 19th birthday when we went to Canada, but that's a whole different story... I would like to state for the record, I am not condoning drinking here. However, it is often found attached to any given hot mess or hot mess situation or attempts to forget the situation. Everyone knows that being hung over is NOT fun or cool or chic... Except the woman pictured below.

That was the beginning stages of hot mess moments in my life. If only she had given me that advice one day earlier, everything would be different... (Criteria #64: The belief that it is someone else's fault/a circumstance that did this do you.)


I am happy to hear your stories and debacles so please, feel free to comment and/or email stories you'd like retold in a sarcastic and demeaning manner: you may win a Hot Mess of the Month Award** which entails a wonderful mystery gift.


**Being a hot mess is not a great idea. Ask Lindsay Lohan, Boy George or Sarah Palin. I recommend waiting until at least age 14 to become a full blown hot mess, in other words, this website is not into child hot mess-ary.  Criteria #16: You cannot be a hot mess if you are trying to be as such- that's a flopped mess and it's lame because there's no shame involved.

Greetings!

Bear with me folks as I put this site together!
The object of this blog is to make a  space for our stories of hot mess-age. It will be especially amusing once I get the "insert your face" in a photo segment working. In the meantime, I'd like to say thanks to all of my friends and lovers (ahem, Justin Garcia) here in the Twilight Zone. YOU, made this happen.

While the site is under construction, I thought I'd give you all something to read to prepare for future posts...

According to Urban Dictionary, this is what a hot mess is.

1. When ones thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty.

2. A derogatory term describing a situation, behavior, appearance, etc. that is disastrously bad. Think "faux pas" but times ten. Possible origin is literal (think, steaming dogpile).

3. Someone or Something that is such a mess... the level of it, is off of the charts. It's past pathetic, past pitiful. It's to the point you almost have to walk away to keep from bustin a gut. Hot messes can exist in levels.

According to Google Images, this is what a hot mess looks like.

We already knew this. We've known for years!

No words necessary.

 This is maybe my favorite... taking me back to my awkward hot youth....

Soon friends... soon.